Last night I had my first ever dream about suicide. I was faced with someone far superior to me in strength who wished to exact vengeance for reasons unknown (except I have always had low self-esteem), I guess this person represented every powerful figure in my past life (from schoolteachers, priests, my father, my wives (2 only), who I always felt wanted harm to come to me. So let us call this a mythic power figure, an embodyment of "The Devil". Whatever it was, I had done something to harm this person; I was due for some terrible reprisal . He was surrounded by a number of ‘henchmen’ who were only too willing to do his bidding. These people all looked the same, they had shaved heads and mouths that gaped open as if they were emitting some terrible scream. They kept yelling the same tune, repeatedly, in a sort of menacing chorus – "your life is over!!!"
I said to this person, "look, you don’t have to inflict any more pain to achieve your purposes, I will strike a bargain with you. I will go from here and kill myself to save you the trouble, will that satisfy your need for vengeance?" He agreed. I left with a feeling of dread knowing that the sentence had to be carried out if they were not to pursue me for all eternity. I found myself back in the house of my parents where I was raised as a child. I thought how do I tell them I have made this terrible pact with "the devil". At this moment of impossible decision, I awoke in a sweat. I did not know where I was, there were no familar surroundings to remind me who I was. All I could hear was that terrible song on a falling note – "your life is over". Slowly I came back to consciouness but it still took a few long minutes before the feeling of doom started to subside.
I don’t know why or where this dream came from, but for the rest of this morning I felt that my life was going to come to a swift end. Many hours later I am now able to relate the details here without feeling dreadfully overpowered by evil forces beyond my control. Even now, I think that I probably deserve this committement to hell and madness by a powerful person or persons unknown who I have harmed sometime in the past.